Now Playing: I See You – Tomasz Bednarczyk

Last night, I lost control of myself. 

I let my thoughts lead me to a world I fear. I went along with them, hoping to find answers I long seek. I was not afraid of it anymore. Sometimes, we do things we feared once before, because what we fear of now is worse than what were afraid of before.

I tried to make sense of what is happening now. I tried to understand the darkness that I am in. I tried to fix the broken glass, and glue the pieces back together. My hands were bleeding with guilt. I had to glue back the pieces, but my hands were no longer capable of doing a thing.

I was very disappointed in myself. How I failed the courage inside me. It took me so long to enter that world, only to walk out of it with more answers. I do not understand why that happened. I thought that the major leap of faith that I took was enough for me to find all the answers and for once – set free.

I thought about relationships, friendships, families, and how it all connects by one person – me. I thought about disappointments, failures, wounds, broken promises, and how they all meet at one – me. I thought about commitment, love, trust, hope, success and how they all divert at one point only – me. 

I feel torn. This internal gap of feelings in me is maddening. I move from one failure to the other, not knowing where the trail of failures will end. I hope with each failure, and the drastic feelings that come along, that it is the last failure. I do not know when those failures end and I wish upon a shooting star for some of peace of mind. 

I dabble with my emotions a little, just to see how far I need affection. I do not know whether it is true or not; the distance my emotions traveled.

This picture I worked on last night, I do not know how it ended like this. To many people, this picture is just scribbles of a two year old. To me however, this is how I currently feel. This is my naked soul. Stripped from all the fake smiles and set to be what it truly is.