Listen to: Time – Hans Zimmer
I seek consolation in times of distress. I cannot find it, if it ever was attainable through being sought. There is a havoc of thought processing, reprocessing, and de-processing in my head. The dialectic makes no sense, all threefolds of it. My problem with reality has never been any less than its mere existence. I am aware of the oxymoron I am suggesting; I am what makes reality a reality in a sense, but I wish for it to cease existence. If reality were to be the thesis, then fantasy, or what basically can never register as a reality, is the antithesis. Where then, lies my synthesis? In the mind, perhaps, the cradle of thoughts. But the fire that broke loose in my head cannot be tamed, and my thoughts are gone, gone, gone.
You know when you’ve had too much to drink when breaking fast during Ramadan, and you feel like your stomach is about to explode before even eating? Well, that is how my brain feels at the moment. Except, I haven’t had anything to drink, really. I only dipped in a sea of questioning that led me to here. Again with the where is here redundant question that I seem to find no answer for. Here, in a sense, is where I question the notion of learning, and wonder why the educational system does not teach us how to un-learn. Of course, I do not believe in the infrastructure of such ideological state apparatuses, but they seem to control society just like Althusser once said they do. I don’t need a Marxist to tell me our educational system is flawed, though. I kind of got that on my own.
What most of us do not realize is that ignorance is not bliss; awareness is. We are cradled into fear since birth, and are taught to never give in to our questioning, whatever it maybe, as long as it defied the collective thinking. I keep coming back to my middle school religion classes because they were the most influential in my learn-your-religion stage. I was told to never question existence of a holy power because it would lead to doubt, and doubt is blasphemy. Isn’t it ironic that we are taught to have rock-solid faith (as if faith can be taught, that is), but when it comes to rock-crushing questions, we are asked to avoid them, instead of being taught on how to tackle them? What I wasn’t taught in my learn-your-religion stage of my life was that it is okay to question. It is okay to reach out beyond this collective bubble and pop the hell out of it, excuse my french. It is okay to understand the antithesis in order for the thesis to make sense, or no sense at all. I was never taught to examine my rock-solid faith and see just how solid it is. In order for synthesis, the linchpin, if I may, to be found, both the thesis and the antithesis must be equally sought, understood, and experienced. Only then one could make a choice, rather than belong to a system by force.
But no. This is haram. That is 3aib. No, don’t do that. Astughfur Allah, don’t say that. For one, can we please separate religion from tradition? No, we can’t? Oh, yes. My apologies. I ask, what is wrong with being given the freedom to fly out of the nest if we have the will to come back? To fly away does not mean to leave the nest. It just means, hey, I want to see what’s out there but this, this is home, and home is where the heart is; I carry it deep within. I don’t need you to teach me how to have faith. You can’t teach people how to believe in God, and most certainly should not force them. I will not get into the debate on whether belief is innate or acquired, that does not concern me. Instead, what you must do, as media, as schools, as communities, and as all these ideological state apparatuses, is provide one with reasoning, proof, debates, facts, science, religion, all of it, and then set them free. Their faith is not yours to carry; it is theirs, and they know best. Not you.
I think I stopped making sense. Making sense is overrated anyway, or so one my Facebook statuses says.